The God We Long For

infertilityOne of the biggest fears as a woman is going to the doctor and hearing that you may never give birth; that even if you do manage to conceive, the odds of a successful pregnancy are not very likely due to my under active thyroid and all the complications that this brings. In the midst of this people try to be a comfort to you and they tell you all the cliché things about how you can’t give up and you just have to keep trying and it will happen eventually…etc.

Sometimes those aren’t the things that you want or need to hear.

Who knows, I may have a baby in the next couple of years, or maybe not. That’s not my call, if it were there would be nothing else for me to say except, “My water just broke”.

In all of this I’ve come to find that there is a lack of hard hitting truth about the realities of God and how He works and what that means for me and my life. I don’t want to go on pretending that everything is going to work out in my favor, because its not always going to. With some transparency into my life; this post is going to serve as my attempt, failed as it may be, to shed some truth and light on a hard subject.

I’ve always wanted to be a wife and a mother. My thoughts were always that I would get married young and have kids right away. The marriage part was easy. I met Phil when I was 20, a year later we were married. It was only about 6 months later that we found out that we were expecting. We were excited to say the least. We bought a crib and began to quickly accumulate clothes, toys, and books. Three short months into the pregnancy it all came to an end. I will never forget the image of my first child. It was sheer perfection to see them in that ultrasound, but then everything turned off. Their heart wasn’t beating. God in all His power and glory took that life as quickly as He gave it. How could this be fair?

As harsh as it is, it’s completely fair. Any pain and suffering that I may have in this life is nothing compared to the cross. That puts all fairness into perspective.

Psalm 37:4: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart”….finally words to be comforted by and a God that lives to make me happy….Nope!

A verse that’s taken out of context and twisted for a self serving gospel is what that really is. God doesn’t owe me a thing. He gave me His Son and eternal life. To delight in the Lord means to find complete satisfaction in Him, and Him alone. If we are truly delighting ourselves in the Lord then He will give us the desires of our heart, which would then become God, and anything that has to do with God. Anything outside of God would not be a want or desire at that point. To say that God gives us worldly things because we delighted in Him makes it seem as if we are in control and can win God’s favor. This could not be further from the truth. We do not possess that kind of power over God. There is nothing that we can do to earn God’s love and convince Him to give us worldly things. From the outside, this turns people away from Chrsit. If people come to God expecting everything to get better and to gain everything they ever wanted, they will be disappointed and walk away from the faith when that doesn’t fix their lives the way that they expected. Life gets hard at times when you follow Christ.1 John 3:13 says “Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you” and 2 Timothy 3:12 says “Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted” There are many other verses that talk about how Christians are going to be hated and persecuted. So to say you are going to be granted your every desire is a steep case. You are almost saying that God loves you more than fellow Christians because he’s giving you more than others.

If God were to provide us with the desires of our hearts, then that would mean that He was giving us everything that we desire more than Himself. It’s when God takes everything away and forces us to lean on Him that we can begin to grow closer to God.

To be honest, I find my self desiring a child more than I desire God. This is something that I struggle with daily and likely will for the rest of my life. It is by God’s grace that He continues to show me mercy through these struggles.